Anime Convention Survival Handbook
by Tori Yuki Ichimura
Summary: THIS FIC MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE! ...but it probably won't... In fact, the most it's good for is a cheap laugh and maybe some useful information. _MAYBE_ We're not promising anything here folks.


**Anime Convention Survival Handbook**

**By The Gundam Pilots and Tori Yuki Ichimura**

**1. Health**

Don't bathe. Don't sleep. As anyone who's ever been to an anime convention knows, otaku don't waste time on hygiene during convention hours. There are many more important and exciting things going on. (but for the sake of anyone you may come in contact with, use a lot of cologne or perfume cuz you STANK!)

**2. Nutrition**

At anime conventions, the only decent food you'll have a chance at is room service. The con-going otaku must survive on a strict diet of coffee-pot ramen (consult a professional otaku before attempting), the pocky the girl you're sitting next to is handing out, and the grapes and Dr. Pepper in the con suite. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, eat the con suite pretzels. They are a hazard to your health. 

Perhaps you may stumble into the hotel café. The food will be overpriced, the service will be slow, and there will be anthrax in the small potted plant at your table. Steal EVERYTHING. The purloined items you'll (illegally) walk away with will become priceless souvenirs. Bonus points for getting mascots and guests to sign them without calling hotel security. (Don't worry.. They'll probably think it's amusing…)

**3. Purchases**

            Anime conventions are renown for their over-priced merchandise. Stick to big, solid things. It sucks walking away from the dealers room $200 poorer with a pin, a few pencil boards, and twenty empty boxes of Giant Pocky. I suggest things such as tee shirts, doujinshi, and, if at all possible, weapons. Buy lots and lots of weapons. (more on this later)

            Buying anime at anime conventions isn't always a wise move unless you're looking for obscure titles or special editions because it will always be overpriced. A $40 Evangelion DVD can also be found in the pre-owned section of EBX fro $9 in the same condition.

**4. Self Defense**

            While anime conventions are 99% otaku fun, there are always one or two creeps running around. (usually NOT con goers) No one does a better job of pointing this out than non-otaku relations. This is where those weapons come in useful. In a tight spot, even a giant mace made out of paper towels, gum drops, and a vacuum cleaner tube can come in useful. 

Turn the tables on any would-be attackers by beating them senseless with anything from the aforementioned prop to your cardboard-and-duct-tape Punisher cross while yelling "HOT MALE GUNDAM WING COSPLAYERS!" (or, when not at Yaoi-Con or Shoujocon, "GIRL IN LUM BIKINI!" will do nicely). People will come a lot quicker than if you scream "HELP!" and the girls from Yuri-Con or guys from Yaoi-Con will rescue you, depending on your gender. They will be there without fail though, and your attacker will not stand a chance. No one heckles an otaku and gets away with it. Oh, the staff may help you, too, but usually only at Shoujocon or other "happy conventions with a warm, family atmosphere". 

There is one exception. Anime Expo. In Anaheim, no one can hear you scream.

**5. Hall Cosplay**

            One of anime's most famed tradition, nothing is more rewarding then an eight-year-old asking for a hug and a picture after slaving over a costume for the other 362 days in the year. Seriously. If we didn't get our hugs and photographs, we'd DIE. Cosplayers and anime characters LIVE to photographed.

            When choosing your costume, there are two categories that will get you the attention you crave; popular characters and elaborate costumes. I swear to God, I will not know who in seven hells you are but if you can pull off those wings AND that leather LaLa ensemble, I'm getting a picture. 

On the other hand, if you can run to Saint Jude's for a priest collar and the Tack Shop for some black jodhpurs, together with an ass-long braid and a black hat, you will be that much more loved because not only will you be a lovable character, but your costume will be glomp-friendly as well.

If it is your first convention, never EVER cosplay as an original character. It'll hurt when no one asks for your picture because they don't know who you are. If you must go as an original character, MAKE THE COSTUME ELABORATE AND EYE-CATCHING. Dressing in jeans and a tee-shirt as your SI character in one of your fanfics won't get you any attention and may crush your cosplay spirit. (This is Tori speaking from experience here…)

**6. Stage Cosplay**

            No one understands stage cosplay better than Duo Maxwell. Last year, the poor little bugger had to sit through more than six other Duo cosplayers. There were some good ones, some bad ones, and some down-right strange ones (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) and, to top it all off, Duo didn't win. Okay, okay… Technically, he was not _allowed_ to win, but still.

            "The key to stage cosplay is," says Shinigami himself, "a great act. Be funny. I don't care if your character spends the whole series angsting only to get decapitated by his best friend, MAKE THEM LAUGH! Poke fun at your character! Poke fun at other characters! If you can make the judges laugh, they'll remember it come voting."

            And these words ring true! Even if you don't win, your cosplay will be memorable! I can't remember much from Shoujocon 2001's stage cosplay except Duo going up to the mike and yelling "HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO!" like Relena (and of course the two girls in the Fushigi Yugi costumes making out, which is an image burned permanently into my sick little mind). 

            This year, I bet I'll find at least one site commending him on his 2002 cosplay, the ever-famous Verizon commercial inspired by Jenna and made possible by Kate!

            That's another key thing; viewer involvement. Having your Ryouga get lost in the audience in your Ranma cosplay or speaking directly to the people crowd is fantastic. It makes people feel like they're really a major part of the performance and everyone loves to feel special. On the other hand, do NOT flirt with the judges (or insult their manhood in the case of the Sanctuary group) because this may be looked upon as bribery or favoritism and they could overlook you just so they're not scrutinized.

            Giving Toby strawberry pocky is a totally different subject and one we will not discuss today. Or ever.

**7. Junior Cosplay**

            … *deathglare* … Little children are cute. Smelly teenagers are not. This is unfair. Make sure your convention has a separate Junior Division for all contests because, despite what is advertised, THE KAWAII FACTOR DETERMINES ALL!

            Duet says, "If you are the parent of one such little child, and this child is in the mindset that they are the belle of the ball, expect plenty of deathglares. Cosplayers who spend hours on their costumes do NOT appreciate being undermined by a chibi in a Di Gi Charat costume their mom made. Know this. Fear this. LEAVE YOUR KID HOME! *achem* Okay, I take that back. Never deprive your child of anime. Dress them up and let them have their fun, but KEEP THEM AWAY FROM THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THEIR OWN COSTUMES AND IN THE JUNIOR COMPETITIONS ONLY!"

            Now that Duet has spoken her peace about what seems to be more like one particular child rather than that age group in general… Yes, Duet, I'm sure that six-year-old knows exactly who she is. *sigh* Let's move on before _I _get flamed. (In my opinion… if they're in the junior competition, let 'em be…)

**8. Panels/ Discussion Groups**

            These are always interesting, or so your friends would have you believe. Most of the general non-author public will not appreciate discussions on the finer points of Fan Fiction Writing (even if you are on the panel) while others would rather douse themselves in gasoline and set themselves on fire rather than listen to a bunch drunk guys compare yuri hentai. The lesson here; To each his own.

            Don't drag your friends into random panels they don't care about. Instead, let them know you're there and tell them they can always come back and get you. You're not going anywhere (and if you do, you WILL get glared at for opening the ballroom door, which is enough to make most people stay still in their seats). If you are on the panel, do not make obscene gestures (op for silly faces) while another panelist is talking or risk a "Got Yaoi?" bag to the face.

            There is a certain panel etiquette involved as well. Do NOT bombard the panelists. Raise your hand and wait to be called on. No one likes the people that sit in the front row and try to have one-on-one conversations without regard for everyone else there. Wait your turn!

**9. Hotel Staff**

            *everyone glares at Duo* Chances are the hotel staff isn't to thrilled about the convention. More work… Crazy people… And PHOTOGRAPHS! Now we always make it a personal goal to make sure that there is at least ONE person on the staff is smiling at all times. 

            Quatre says, "They always like to hear a 'thank you' or something when they're helping you. They most likely do not appreciate it when you steal or make messes or put anthrax in their potted plants."

            "To make them smile, I always prefer the 'I love your costume!' method…" says Duo, "Make up a name and a series for them. Demand a picture. Then make them do stupid stuff in the picture such as salute or strike a pose. If they don't smile, at least the rest of the staff will… And you'll let him go with a great story to tell!"

            "There's also the 'visiting the executives' approach," Heero adds (with a glare in Duet's direction), "This year was the first time we employed this plan and that happened quite by mistake. You see, Duet got us lost in the stairwell-"

            "NO! It was STANTON!"

            "-whatever, Duet… Anyway, we were lost because the doors on the stairwell didn't open from the outside.  Luckily the security cameras picked us up and someone came to get us. Unfortunately for his pride, he had to lead us out to the lobby through the office part of the building. People were leaning out of their cubicles and office doors to get a glimpse of the nine idiots in the crazy outfits and the good-looking guy in spandex. That put a smile on more than one face."

            "But I wasn't wearing spandex…" Duo wondered aloud.

**10. Having As Much Fun As Humanly Possible**

            Cosplayers have all the fun! Remember that. Live by that. Dress comfortably, pack a lunch, carry a camera and BRING YOUR GLASSES! *glare at Tori* 

            "Awww… It was it Japanese with subtitles… I didn't need 'em anyway!" Tori smiles.

            "Heero, read me the menu… Trowa, what's the video room schedule say…? Duet, HOW many zeros are on that bill!?" Duo mocks. Tori hits Duo with chair. The list ends.

~*~*~*~

**Tori: **Hope this helped…someone.

**All: ***shake heads*

**Trowa: **No one does conventions like we do…

**Tori: **True.

*awkward silence*

**Tori: **SO WHO'S READY FOR KOMIKET!?

**Duet: ***raises hand* Oh! Oh! Pick me!

**Wu Fei: **…this is gonna be a lo~ong flight…


End file.
